[Best of] Week 24.01 The New Year’s Daily Resolution

Another new year, another season of fresh resolutions. In and of themselves, these resolutions feel noble; we aspire to bring about positive change in ourselves and our lives. But the positivity of the first few weeks of the year is quickly followed by the regret of failure. Have you ever wondered what it means that most people fail to achieve their New Year's resolution? Here is one often used "statistic": "80 percent of people drop their resolutions by the second week of February." Or this one: Strava, based upon 800 million users logged activities, predicts that most people will quit by January 19th. They call it "Quitter's Day."

It doesn't have to be this way, and I will tell you how to shift the narrative. The approach is based on Marshall Goldsmith with Mark Reiter's classic book Triggers. The book details an approach to asking yourself daily questions that trigger positive change. I have been doing the Daily Questions process with Ayse (Eye-Shay) Birsel for over three years now, and I feel like I can change almost anything I commit to change. At the core of Triggers is a reframing of how we create change, and that's where the new approach to New Year's resolutions comes in. Here is the new approach:

Choose something you want to change in 2023. Make it something that is observable and that you can examine daily. Then, every day, give yourself a 1 to 10 score of how well you tried to accomplish it (the key word is “tried” - intentions do matter, according to Marshall). Look at your score at the end of the year and see how you did. If you arrive at the end of the year with a score - you have accomplished your New Year's resolution!

Sounds simple, right? It is. For over a year I have been testing this, and here are some examples of what I have been doing. Test #1: I have a natural sweet tooth and "need" dessert after dinner. My test resolution: Did I try my best to avoid processed desserts after dinner? Average score: 8.6 (6 out of 7 days). Test #2: Did I try my best to get 8 hours of sleep last night? Average score: 9.0. Test #3: Did I try my best not to watch TV/movies on Saturday? Average score: 6.0. I plan to carry these habits into 2023 and perhaps add a few more.

Perhaps you are thinking - wow! You have stopped eating dessert 6 out of 7 days a week, impressive! (That's what I'm thinking; I didn't think I would make it four days!) Or maybe you are thinking - barely over 50% of the time, you stick to your goal of not watching TV on Saturday; what's that about? Here is the real bottom line: in keeping this up for a year, I have avoided over 300 desserts and spent 26 Saturdays filling my free time with something other than TV. It's not all or nothing. It's about succeeding by trying. It's about not having to stop because you missed one day. Every day is a new fresh start and a chance for success.

Try it out and see if it works for you. I will warn you that it is simple but not easy. It takes discipline to consistently track and review progress. If you want to try the Daily Questions process, I recommend finding a friend to do it with. You'll spend less than 10 minutes on the phone every day asking each other your questions. You write the questions; you give the answers. However, a little external accountability goes a long way.

I'd like this to be a movement where we celebrate our accomplishments and slough off our imperfections. Since your measure of success is trying every day, there is no failure. Whatever you accomplish at the end of the year is better than if you did nothing. Please pass it on, and let me know how you do! And I wish you and those you love a year of health, happiness, and magic.

With love, gratitude, and wonder.

Scott

A Tribute to Our Beloved Collaborator and Friend Dr. Mark Goulston by Doug Guthrie (on behalf of the 100 Coaches Community)

It is with great sorrow that we put down some thoughts about our dear friend and collaborator, Dr. Mark Goulston. Some posts are joyous to write – an idea comes into your mind, one you want to share with the world, and you sit down to write, and the words just flow. This post is different. This week, we lost our dear friend and colleague Dr. Mark Goulston. Mark was a deeply insightful person with a truly generous soul. Although I have only known Mark for just under two years, I can confidently say that the time I spent in friendship and collaboration with Mark has changed my life and my future going forward. Mark was just that kind of person.

Mark possessed a magical mixture of quiet, inquisitive, penetrating insight on the one hand and a deep sense of humility on the other. But it wasn’t false humility; it felt real, honest, and true. In my experience of time spent with Mark, this was his greatest gift, his greatest talent – to be able to channel his incisive insights to take people deep into self-reflective conversations while cloaking those insights in a humility that made those around him feel safe.

When I think about Mark and the two years of friendship through which I was able to learn from him, here is what I remember, the words I would use to describe Dr. Mark Goulston:

Fearlessness, Honesty, and Safety: When I think about the conversations I had with Mark over the last two years, there was always a sense of balance between fearlessness and safety. We could throw caution to the wind, be totally honest with each other, and explore the depths of what we were thinking and feeling. We could be completely fearless in exploring these depths; we would not be worried about being judged, because we were prioritizing being open and honest about the psychological tendencies and predispositions that had brought us to this conversation. But these were not just unstructured bull sessions. There was a purpose here: the goal was to be open and honest in our conversations, so that we could find a breakthrough that would allow us to be better coaches, better friends, and better people. But in being fearless with honesty in self-reflection, collaborators and friends must create safe spaces. Mark was fabulous at creating this sense of safety.

Structure: These conversations and their cadence had structure. Mark wouldn’t allow us to simply sign off a weekly call, “OK, talk to you soon…” There was always a schedule for the weekly call and a confirmation that we were going to talk again next week and this time. But it wasn’t just about scheduling time. There was often an implicit and sometimes explicit tie into what this conversation is helping us work on. Often, Mark would say, “I have a new title for your book… I am really good at titles, you know, so let me try this one on for you…” More discussion, then: “You really do need to write this book. How are we going to advance this project together.” Or there was an idea of an institute that would push the field of coaching into the realm of deeper coaching, and the next thing you know, there is text for a proposal for something called the Deeper Coaching Institute. Or there was the time we had talked about a new project on leadership teaching and coaching for Returning Citizens. The next thing I knew, within a week, Mark had introduced me to and set up calls with four different people who radically changed the direction and momentum of the project. And when I reached out and asked him if he would have a conversation with one of my collaborators in this space, it was done. Structure, generosity with time, and follow through.

Humility: Mark exuded humility, and he led by example in this realm. He talked often and openly about his struggles in medical school, about dropping out and returning, about self-doubt, and about the ways in which early failures shaped his subsequent professional life. Such humility was truly inspirational, and it helped me think about the ways in which my failures and recent struggles could be a approached openly, helping to make others feel at ease.

Anticipation or Seeing Around Corners: More than once I had conversations with Mark when his answer began, “I knew this was coming.” But it was never presented in a haughty way; it was always more like, “I thought you might go down this road, and I have given this some thought.” It always made the tension I was feeling dissipate in some way. It was an interesting gift, and what it said to the conversation partner was: “I am here, I am listening, I am thinking about where this is going…” And what I thought would be a big issue or concern would suddenly feel less so. This, I think, is the practice of a deeply attentive listener, and that Mark was. (Not so surprising, I guess, coming from the author of Just Listen.)

Love: Growing up with so much self-doubt, I have learned to express love to kids and close friends as much as possible. But there has always been a bright line between family and close friendships and the decorum of professional relationships – expressions of love are for family and close personal friendships but do not belong in professional relationships. But not with Mark. He quickly had no problem ending calls with “I love you.” It soon felt completely natural to express thankfulness and love for each other. That was all Mark.

I could go on. But I hope what is clear here is that, through our mourning, we also celebrate the life of a humble, fearless, loving intellect. A brilliant force in the intricate terrain of complex human emotion and psychology but also the intellectual pursuit of a way forward in helping people live better lives. We will miss you, Dr. Goulston, but your memory and presence will live on with us. Thank you for the many gifts, insights, humility, and love you shared. We won’t forget.