Week 21.26 Goal Obsession and the Fallacy of Fairness

Perhaps the most overlooked idea in Marshall's classic book, What Got You There Won't Get You Here, is what he called the 21st, habit, Goal Obsession. He made a big deal of it so of course, it got completely ignored. So I would like to draw your attention to it today and invite you to share your thoughts in the comments.

So many motivational speakers, books, and a random assortment of experts assert the importance of setting goals. They advise you to be clear about what your goals are. Write them down. Visualize them. Become laser-focused on attaining them. Put all your energy into it and commit yourself to attain the goal and make it happen. One of the great western obsessions is setting goals.

There is a presumption when you set a goal that if you do everything you can then you will achieve your goal. Of course, this is often not the case as there are so many events that can intervene that are not in your control. The presumption that if you set a goal and follow through you will achieve your goal is what Marshall calls the Fallacy of Fairness. When we set the goal and do the work and not reach the goal, we get angry and upset. Perhaps we blame other people, perhaps we turn to the sky and shake our fists and shout "My life is supposed to be fair. And I put in hard work I'm supposed to succeed." And of course, we know that life is not fair. We think I've done this wonderful work and the world doesn't recognize me for my achievements. We think, "It's not logical. I should have won the game. Why didn't I win the game?" And in personal relationships, we get angry, because we invest in the other person and it didn't result in them loving us or doing what we wanted. Then we can't forgive because they should have loved us because of all the effort and time and energy put in which we feel is not fair.

 Sometimes people win despite themselves and sometimes they don't even though they do everything right. When we become obsessed with the goal and engage in the fairness fallacy, we create the circumstances for extreme disappointment. And. we still want to have some direction. I have goals that I would like to accomplish, things that I would like to get done, and mountains I want to move. Does that mean that goals have no place? And if they do, how can we avoid the twin trap of goal obsession and the fairness fallacy?

Srikumar Rao proposes that you accept upfront that the outcome is beyond your control, no matter what the outcome is. And then work hard, and execute well, and sometimes you are going to get the result you are seeking. But inevitably, there will be many occasions when something totally unexpected comes from left field, and you don't get to where you're going. So recognize in advance that you do not have control over the outcome. So, therefore, give up attachment to the outcome, which will help you avoid the cycle of seeing life as rewarding when you reach your goals and horrible when you do not reach them. Embrace that life is not fair. Instead, focus and pour all of your emotional energy into the actions that you have to undertake to actually make progress toward your goal.

Research from Dr. Ruth Gotian reveals that most successful athletes keep their medals in the closet. For extreme high achievers, the ones that don't crumble, it was never about the trophy or the medal or the prize. They are flourishing because they understand that the goals are always moving, the definition of success is always changing. For many years I have wondered about all the amazing athletes who work so hard to reach the US Olympic team and because they are the fourth-best in that year they don't go. Or the ones who go and are the fourth-best of all competitors in their sport don't medal. Or, as we reach the NHL Stanley Cup Finals, all the teams that work so hard all season and don't win the Cup, the Medal, the chance to be declared "the best". The real champions grow from the process regardless of the outcome and are humbled by the confluence of events when they win.

Life is not fair. When we set a goal and work hard to achieve it, there are no guarantees that we will succeed. When you set a goal embrace it. Then take a breath and remember not to make mistakes that the vast majority of us make. We think the benefit of setting a goal in trying our level best to reach a goal is reaching the goal. Wrong. The benefit of setting a goal and trying our level best to reach the goal is the learning and growth from what happens in us on the way.

Week 30 of 52 Weeks of Giving: Jumpstart

More than twenty years ago, four college students asked each other: What if we could offer children from under-resourced communities individualized attention before they enter kindergarten, giving them the critical academic and social skills—the ‘jumpstart’—they need to succeed? The idea took hold and today Jumpstart has trained more than 45,000 college students and community volunteers, preparing nearly 100,000 children for kindergarten success. Jumpstart’s program is replicated across the country in 14 states and the District of Columbia. We leverage partnerships with higher education institutions, community organizations, Head Start programs, community-based preschools, and school districts to create sustainable solutions in order to close the kindergarten readiness gap. https://www.jstart.org/

What Pandemic Parenting Can Teach Us About Leadership

One of the best parts about MG100 is the friendships and collaborations. I’m so proud and excited to share that Sanyin Siang has teamed up with Ron Carucci on this new piece for HBR - What Pandemic Parenting can Teach Us about Leadership. This is her debut piece and Ron’s gazilliontih piece in HBR. Though there’s no silver lining to be gleaned from the untold strife of the pandemic, as millions of working parents ready for a return to office work, there are key lessons we can all take back with us about leading our teams and how we show up. The authors present four ways not to let your hard-earned leadership lessons from WFH parenting go to waste. First, use peer data to hone quick decision-making skills. Second, learn how to serial-task (not multi-task). Third, manage a diverse team. Finally, trade perfectionism for compassion. None of us would ever choose to repeat the heartache of the pandemic. But it did yield invaluable leadership lessons we shouldn’t leave behind. Here’s the link to the LinkedIn PostAnd here’s the link to the article.

“Where There Is a Will…”: Creating New Pathways to Success by Carol Kauffman and David Noble

Leaders today are increasingly finding themselves in largely unfamiliar situations for which they have no map or reference points. The world is so complex and unpredictable that the instincts and practices that served some people for so long are often now incomplete, ineffective, or even dangerous. In addition, moving through constant disruption requires leaders to be far more collaborative than in the past. As a result, leaders need to learn new ways of reaching decisions.

Leading well in today’s complex world means being open to looking squarely at the question: “Who do I need to be right now?” And it means becoming willing and able to adjust the answers to shifting conditions and objectives and to reach new critical decisions accordingly. Setting these intentions, combined with the behavior it generates, will create an integrated state of highly aware, agile leadership. With practice, leaders can move more easily and swiftly within the currents of incessant change and readily access the most fitting responses to maximize their performance goals. Read the entire article here

Michelle Tillis Lederman is launching The Connector’s Advantage Online Book Club. 

Community and connection is critical to success but more importantly – to health and happiness. Michelle's book, The Connector’s Advantage, advances that thinking and proves why relationships and connecting are critical in every aspect of your life. The Book Club And Micro Course delves into the 7 mindsets that increase your influence and impact in the world and includes: Daily micro-lessons to help you turn what you have read into action & habits, Online discussion board to share ideas and success, Live Q&A with Michelle where she answers all your questions, A community of people to connect with throughout the entire Virtual Book Club, And of course, the book! Join or spread the word and foster the knowledge that Inclusive Connectors have a way of thinking and acting that enables stronger relationships and builds better workplaces.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY Bart Osman and Sally Helgesen on July 1 and Oleg Konovalov on July 2

 And, as always, thank you, Marshall, for making all of this possible.

 With love and gratitude

Scott